He'd say things like (irritably), "My crocs aren't by the door," or puff & mutter irritably when getting round our packed boxes in the hall (it was a house move).
I obediently monitored the crocs carefully & tidied away the boxes that night.
I'm not OP but I've contemplated similar questions quite often and quite in depth.
We're all products of our environments, past and present. These men most likely learned that hinting was the only safe way to let their loved ones know about an unmet need. They mirrored what their environments taught them. We all do that.
The life long challenge is dealing with previously necessary but now maladaptive coping mechanisms. Some call that "the shadow". For these men hinting might very much be such a mechanism.
The question I always consider essential is whether or not a person is willing to confront their shadow and how it impacts themselves and the people around them negatively. If they do that I'm gonna grant them all the grace I can muster, as long as it doesn't overwhelm my own ability to cope.
It's just... even then, it's still on the person who said it. Not on them like as a reason to excommunicate them, just they did the thing. Idk. It's late and I can tell I'm stuck on a tiny detail.
Having been manipulated by my ex, I tend to think that he 'did that', so he was the one at fault. I also know that his mother was manipulative, so it was part of a cycle. It did not make it any easier for me to take. I didn't know I am autistic, then. @alexocado @KatyElphinstone
I honestly think we have to completely rethink how we do things.
Indirect communication? It's still communication.
Denying accountability doesn't serve the powerless. I observe the effect my communications have e.g. on my children. (And I listen when they tell me what effect it has on them!!)
I do not say, "I didn't mean it that way."
I'm well aware of the elephant in the brain. And that I have got one in there too. 🐘
Katy Elphinstone •
Having been primed (early, by parents), I obediently sorted the Lego and cleared out the cup drawer.
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Katy Elphinstone •
He'd say things like (irritably), "My crocs aren't by the door," or puff & mutter irritably when getting round our packed boxes in the hall (it was a house move).
I obediently monitored the crocs carefully & tidied away the boxes that night.
⬇️
Katy Elphinstone •
Therapist asked, what's the problem? I began, "I'm just so tired and feel so crushed...my body" 😭
Therapist asked partner what he thought. He said, carefully, "yes, she does so much, looks after everyone..."
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Katy Elphinstone •
Perhaps luckily, I was speechless.
Wondered if my ears needed popping (did I hear that aright?!)
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Katy Elphinstone •
Definition = Telling people they should do things in ways you know they'll understand, but need take no responsibility for them having done it.
What's not to like?! 😁🤷♀️
No wonder it's such a cornerstone of our culture.
#ActuallyAutistic
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Katy Elphinstone •
💜
slow learner, deep feeler •
But how is employing a method of communication that includes deniability, not the person who used its fault?
I hear that you aren't blaming them. It's just my own literal thinking doesn't follow.
Alex :Fire_Enby: •
We're all products of our environments, past and present. These men most likely learned that hinting was the only safe way to let their loved ones know about an unmet need. They mirrored what their environments taught them. We all do that.
The life long challenge is dealing with previously necessary but now maladaptive coping mechanisms. Some call that "the shadow". For these men hinting might very much be such a mechanism.
The question I always consider essential is whether or not a person is willing to confront their shadow and how it impacts themselves and the people around them negatively. If they do that I'm gonna grant them all the grace I can muster, as long as it doesn't overwhelm my own ability to cope.
slow learner, deep feeler •
It's just... even then, it's still on the person who said it. Not on them like as a reason to excommunicate them, just they did the thing. Idk. It's late and I can tell I'm stuck on a tiny detail.
@KatyElphinstone
Hugs4friends ♾🇺🇦 🇵🇸😷 •
Katy Elphinstone •
Indirect communication? It's still communication.
Denying accountability doesn't serve the powerless. I observe the effect my communications have e.g. on my children. (And I listen when they tell me what effect it has on them!!)
I do not say, "I didn't mean it that way."
I'm well aware of the elephant in the brain. And that I have got one in there too. 🐘
@alexocado
Katy Elphinstone •
Intuition is very closely linked to powerlessness....hardly surprisingly. 😥
And, this way, those who possess it can be held responsible for the results. Even though they would be horribly punished if they did not have it.
You are basically damned if you do and damned if you don't.
It's this: https://www.neurofabulous.org.uk/dynamics-of-blame.html
@alexocado
Doghouse: The dynamics of blame. By Katy Elphinstone
www.neurofabulous.org.ukHugs4friends ♾🇺🇦 🇵🇸😷 hat dies geteilt