Mostly lovely little period here, ~18:00 Sunday til 19:00 Monday [today], son visited & stayed over. Lots of hugs & cuddles [he's taller than me & sadly i'm not short; also since his interest in weightlifting & bodybuilding over the last couple of years he's a bloody strapping man-mountain now, but i'm not letting that stop me from numerous free-range huggles!]. Lots of chats, fed him lots, whisky might have been had, several movies streamed & chatted about. Solved most of the world's problems. I love him so much. 💜

But the heavy stuff, we also got into the heavy stuff, & it always breaks my heart. He's a lost soul, drifting rudderless, burning up with #anxiety & #depression about it, & feeling powerless to find a way.

{{{background to the heavy stuff}}}

• He's unambiguously very intelligent, & was going great guns thru primary school, early & mid high school, but before the HSC the wheels fell off [but neither he nor we (ie, parents)] knew what was happening, what to do]. He did survive the HSC, with a result rather below his abilities, but considering what emerged later was a bloody good effort. He was super excited to go to Uni, but more wheels fell off & kept falling off. He struggled hard, sank, dropped out, stayed in his head for long months, tried again with a different undergraduate degree, ditto repeat, tried for the third & final time, but then sadly knew this was not to be his path [& i knew too, & energetically supported him & tried to buck him up that Uni is not for everyone & that's perfectly ok, no adverse character reflection of him at all, & we'll find another way for him to thrive & be happy]. He's had two relationships, sadly both ended, pain happened. He's been working for the past few years in the kitchen of a food shop & doing very well, being popular with workmates, management, customers... given more & more opportunities, easily grew into them. He knew it was not a permanent thing for him, but it was something, & he could do it.
• Anyway, a few years ago he took himself to a good psychiatrist, + psychologist, & was referred to an #ADHD specialist, who finally gave him insight as to what has been strangling him internally since mid high school. As i understand it his is the inattentive strain, not the hyperactive strain, & today as we had our latest discussion of all this, he explained his frustration with the very name ADHD which considering his personal arc feels a bad misnomer. He instead thinks of it as an executive function failure problem. It burns him up with frustration, depression & pervading hopelessness... as he told me thru tears today, he finds it so awful that he desperately struggles to do "ordinary" things [& feels alone in that no Vanillas seemingly understand it]... "simple" things like planning anything, often even remembering to do things, very frequently elude him. He said he has no sense [& never has since primary school] of "the future" for him, as even just getting thru each day is so hard for him.
• I love him so much, & burn with sadness that my beautiful big boy [man] carries this immense weight.

I mentioned the fediverse to him, & that many of my friends & acquaintances here in Straya & also around the rock, are self-described as having their own direct personal life-arcs with ADHD &/or #Autism, & asking if he might be willing to join in here for the opportunity to chew the fat with a lot of lovely peeps who will not only not judge him, but exchange comparable "battle scars" & just be generally beautifully communal, as i readily observe here all the time. I really hope he might decide to try it... but i also recognise the irony that to mull it over is subject to the very same internal dynamic which has characterised most of his life... he'll take it around & around & around in his head, & struggle to achieve an escape velocity.

I wish i could magic it all away from my darling boy 💔😭

...things seem to click a little better than most days, like:

• getting outta bed in the morning feels less odious & pointless than usual
• i feel adequately motivated to do some time on my exercise bike
• my usually nasty haemorrhoids take the day off [especially important for the preceding point, heehee]
• my eyes are less blurry than sadly became my new normal several years ago
• my tummy pain seems absent today
• i just feel faintly sad, but not my usual morbid depression
• the reflected sight of my face & throat brings only wistfulness & "oh what might have been, if only the FFS had worked", rather than my usual revulsion & misery

I'll take it! Thank you, #OhGreatProphetZarquon

#introspection #soliloquy #Depression #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman

The topics from the last few weeks have not been the happiest ones. And I am bummed about that. I’m sad that things have been so gloomy, painful, and hard. I wanna write about good things, positive things, joyful ones. Because that also means that I am doing better as well. I could still write about good times, but they’re short lived, overshadowed by the pain, the worries, the darkness in my mind. 😔

I know I should focus on the good things, as they’re the ones that I need to keep me going. But when you’re in pain with every step that you take, when you have to check your funds with every thing that you need, when your dog is getting older and her health starts to struggle (and cost more)… It so hard to keep holding on to the positives, as the negatives are so strong and plenty. But… I will try! I am not ready to give up! 💪🏼

Arwen’s health is struggling some. She’s almost 11½, and she still seems to enjoy most of the daily bits and bops. She’s usually eager for walkies, especially when N&B (my neighbor from down the street and her dog) are involved. N usually takes treats with her, so that’s like Labrador heaven! 😇 Since Arwen started the arthritis meds, she’s even enjoying walkies better again. She’d been struggling some in the past, and I thought it was her age, as she showed no real signs of discomfort. But when she got pain meds for her ear infection, she started walking better and more again. So now, she’s on (expensive) arthritis injections, but they’re totally worth the money as she’s been enjoying the walkies a lot again! 😁 Seeing Arwen enjoy the walks, getting cuddles with her, wagging tails, silly selfies, loud snores, sneaky and smelly farts… I love this gall to bits and when that saddest day should come, I’d be devastated for sure. But until then, she’s one of the most positive beings that lift up my mood and enhance my life. 💜🐾💜

https://flic.kr/p/2pUqboV

My little house. Well, my rented little house. There’s still loads to do that will need money, energy, time, and help. But… I have the little house that I wanted. No more stairs to get home for me and Arwen. No loud neighbors all around me, just one barking dog to one side now, unfortunately… Less heating costs, so it’s a bit warmer for Arwen and me now. 😊 Which is very nice, to be honest… The gardens need a lot of work, weeds love them. But doing a garden also means that you need money and energy… Hopefully I can work on that some next year. I would love to get the whole house and gardens done ASAP, but I know it’s not in my budget. Little steps, slowly making the house a home. I plan to be there for quite some time, so I have time to make it all work. And, hopefully, I’ll find some funds, and some friends will be able to help. My apartment usually was at a max of 17°C, due to costs. But the house is at 18,5°C and it’s less expensive and more comfortable. So that’s really a big win! 😁

https://flic.kr/p/2q8M5ko

I have clothes, some don’t fit too well die to my Wright shifting so much. Would I like some new clothes? Sure! But the ones I do have are OK enough and keep me from being cold and naked 😜. I have gadgets to entertain me. Would I like new ones? Better ones? Sure! I’m a sucker for nice tech…. But I am grateful for the things I have. I have Skoosh, a lovely little car that’s quite economical and drives like a charm. Thanks to my folks, I can get everywhere with some fun and safety. 😊 I have food and drink. Would I prefer some luxurious food at times? Well, not really as I am a picky eater…. But some basic foods have price tags these days that almost make them look like luxurious foods…. 🫣

https://flic.kr/p/2phK2Vh

I have some sweet family, not too much though, as most couldn’t deal with my (undiagnosed) spicy-ness 🌶️ and I could deal with their rudeness… I have some lovely friends, both off- as online. There is the FediVerse that has a bunch of the coolest folks around, that accept me for who I am… Which is awesome. 🌟

There are loads of things that are potivive, for which I am grateful! 💜 But it’s so hard to keep drawing strength from that, while you are in pain. When you can’t do the things you love. When you can’t enjoy your hobbies. Or when you can’t afford something that you need, because prices are just crazy! When you want to help a friend in need, but you can’t, due to funds and your location… When you worry over your own health, and the health of loved ones. When you sometimes feel lonely and in need of some support and/or understanding.

Think positive! I am trying! But pain, less energy, less sleep, less money, more worries… These are big interferences. And, of course, that hormonal change has started for me as well, so my mood and all can be all over the place, swinging harder than a swing in a tornado! 🌪️

https://flic.kr/p/2pVxp7o

I am not giving up! I am trying to work on the positives. I have PT (physical therapy) as much as my insurance will allow me to have. I try to keep exercising, as much as my body and brain will allow. I’m waiting for my appointment at the hospital for my painful hip. I try to enjoy all my time with Arwen. I treasure the time I get chatting with my (online) friends.

But… I need to write about the hard stuff as well. I need to get it out of my system. I need to vent my frustration. I need to show that life isn’t always fair. I’m not here to just write about the good bits, as there’s so many bad ones around as well. People usually only want to share the good stuff, and then they don’t understand that others don’t “get their struggles”. When you never share them, how can others understand? When there’s only the good stuff, how can others know about the times that weren’t that good? People can’t really understand what they don’t know about…

https://flic.kr/p/2pW5huC

I don’t wanna be this complaining annoying person that only rants on how messed up life is… Sure, it happens, but I also try to mention the good stuff. Just lately, the bad stuff was in abundance… 😔

But 2025 just started. There’s loads of days left for the good things. So let’s try to think positive, let’s embrace the good stuff, let’s cherish the positives that come along the way! And one thing that I’ll need to keep reminding myself of: not be good to others alone, but also be good to yourself. 🌈

To be continued…

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One of the most prolific mental health authors has written a book published in 2020 that is about overcoming depression. The book's title is 30 Days 30 Ways to Overcome Depression and the author is Bev Aisbett.

You'd think it would be a helpful book based on the title. But no! It turns out that this book is full of misinformation, stigmatising framing and victim-blaming. I will list some of the quotes below, with the page numbers found:
- “Clearly, your FIRST choice was to BECOME DEPRESSED.” [Page 7]
- “Rushing to see depression as an illness is DISEMPOWERING. It can make you feel like a VICTIM.” … “In fact, go one step further and change the statement from ‘I have depression’ to ‘I have a tendency to feel depressed.’ Now think of ways you can DRIVE OVER that speed bump.” [Pages 50, 52]
- “You may not have realised this before but, more often than you realise, you have been lining up for what you ASKED FOR!” [Page 106]
- “IF YOU DROP THE SELF-PITY YOU ALSO DROP THE DEPRESSION. Be honest, now – if you were not LAMENTING your lot you would have nothing to feel DEPRESSED about, would you?” [Page 134]
- “WITHOUT JUDGING YOURSELF, recognise that you’re in CHILD MODE – especially when you are depressed.” [page 179]
- “Let’s be brutally HONEST, now. Deep down you think being depressed is sort of darkly INTERESTING, don’t you? There’s a certain ROMANCE to all that NOBLE SUFFERING, isn’t there?” [Page 184]
- “Conventional thinking says that you should never tell someone with depression to ‘Snap out of it.’ Well, WHY THE HELL NOT?" ... "And you can start heading in that direction by FAKING it until you MAKE it.” [page 185]
- “SMILE. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between a FAKE or a REAL smile! Even PRETENDING can lift your mood.” [Page 188]

This book has almost put me into a depression relapse. The thing is, it appears on the first page of every bookstore when filtered for depression, and is widely available across public libraries in Victoria as well as across the state.

This is very dangerous and is potentially life-threatening. And I wish I didn't have to write this, as this is equivalent to Andrew Tate's take on depression in the 2016 tweet, in a published book, published in 2020.

#depression #mentalhealth #misinformation #victimblaming #victimblaminginmedia #psychotherapy #counselling #books #stigma #psychology #mentalillness #psychotherapist #counseling #mentalhealthmisinformation #mentalillnessstigma #mentalillnesses #mentalillnessmisinformation